I'll Find A Way

Big Lessons In Little Moments

For the most part I'd say I'm laid back, mostly. Adversity definitely brings the biggest opportunities for me to learn. The past few weeks have brought quite a few tests of my patience and tolerance for stress. It's not always fun looking back at the tough times, reliving the emotions because we don't like what we did or who we were in that moment of pain, but it's in those times when we learn the most about ourselves and become that much closer to the universe.

The World is only as colorful as we paint it.

Fate, I believe in that. My trust in the universe is constantly tested because if it weren't, how would I know that I really believe it. My Spanish visa has been a continuous problem. Now after a hours of waiting and a tear-filled consulate appointment I'm certain I will not arrive on the time promised. After sniffling behind a chocolate milkshake I started thinking, What had I done wrong? Karma, the universe always pays you back. I'm not perfect but still a pretty good person. So I thought and thought...Why was the universe punishing me!?-- ok less dramatic, what was it trying to teach me? 

A little reminder to be happy :)

"Everything Happens for a Reason"

The universe isn't just an after effect but also a spring board into something new. My stress level was at the breaking point,  hours at the gym managed to stray my mind for a little while but as soon as my heart rate came down I was back to stressing. I couldn't figure out my mistake so instead of griping over the problems, I accepted the situation for what it was and opened my heart to whatever the universe had planned for me. And wouldn't you know it, as I let fate work it's magic it started working to help me.

 Amazing birthday necklace from my aunt. A piece of my family that I can have with me everywhere I go.
"Always in our hearts. Dream it, do it, live it." 

Soccer and Storms

A little time in the Rain and I was feeling like a new rain-freshened me.

 

Rain and soccer are my best stress relievers. The fact that I could have both within days of each other had me feeling better already. My dad signed me up for an elite soccer camp this weekend. Elite Clubs National League (ECNL) the soccer league that encompasses the nation's top players. Naturally, I envisioned these girls all my life, something like my heroines of soccer. Never did I think I'd be able to play beside them, but here I was still a little pissed and determined to prove something, though I wasn't quite sure what yet. After the first session of drenching, demanding work I took pride in what I had accomplished. They were good but I kept up. I went to shake the coaches hands and the director asked to speak to me. He wanted to know if I'd like to play for his team (YES I WOULD FLIPPING LOVE TO!) but, Spain. He asked when I would be leaving. September-- I would have said first but now I had no idea. "About a month". He said I could contact him if I was interested in playing for the time I was here. AHHHH!! My anger from the passed week melted behind my excitement and my pride. Sweaty and exhausted I sat down and looked up from my cleats, smiling. The universe does work in some weird ways.

Emergency Kayaking: Teens in Need of Fun!

Water, whether it's falling from the sky or flooding a kayak, I Love It.

Sofy working hard while I took a few pictures like a lazy bum.

The water just broke into green and I wanted to dive into the emeralds.

 Take a Breather

So there you have it. Fate can be very funny with me but even when I'm feeling broken I do my best to never stop trusting it. There are so many different paths in life most of which we can't see right away. In the end things work out, in the end I'll get to Spain and in the end, the real end, I'll be able to look back at the life I've made and smile. 

Keep smiling :)

Sunshine Kingdoms and Rainy Days

A Series of Unfortunate Events

Sometimes we just have those days, when EVERYTHING seems to go wrong. I'll make the negativity as quick as possible because it isn't my favorite thing to talk about. I have been having some problems getting my visa for Spain and that has put a lot of stress on me and my parents. Tension had been building since the first "I'm sorry to inform you..."

Every sunrise is a
 chance for a beautiful day.

I've also been taking online classes so that I can be finished with my graduation requirements before I leave for Spain-- if I leave for Spain! (Only kidding, I know I'll get there!) Any way that has been a monotone routine of watching a nameless hair mass waggle through a lecture on economic patterns and why her love of food makes her a prime consumer, but by this point all I'm thinking of is how good spaghetti sounds and how much her hair resembles the delicious dish.-- See this is the kind of sidetracking that prevents me from succeeding in an online class, but I had made it to the Final Exam and giddy anticipation I clicked Begin and received "ASSESSMENT LOCKED PENDING APPROVAL"  Wait WHAT?! Soooooo I had been speeding through my classes only to be slapped with a stop sign. Grrr not the way I wanted to start my morning but ok the day is still young.

I was desperate for some redeeming factor in this way off day. My dad suggested a little kayaking trip-- umm yes! Time on the lake and a little sweat, my favorite combination! Sweet I can fix this day! Perhaps I spoke too soon. I'm new to the area and ended up parking on the wrong street meaning we had to run there in the 97% Texas humidity. But that was still ok, just a warm up. I rushed to the rentals window, excited to finally get on the water and forget the stress. "Do you have ID?." ID? What no, I ran here! I wasn't carrying a wallet?! So that kind of blew our lake day.

I was fuming and once again took a wrong turn getting us stuck in at least 30 minutes of rush hour traffic. GAHhhhHHHHH. I could not handle it. Remember when I said I'd make the negativity go by quickly? Sorry it's taken so long. Basically this day was destine to piss me off. And what do I do with anger, run it out. Just run until the blood is in my ears blocking out the thoughts of anything beside Inhale. Exhale. Inhale.

Runner's High

A path in the woods can
take me anywhere.

Feeling like a warrior in my own mind, I charged forward into the sticky heat. Man was it hot, my own frustration was transpiring into the burning sun and stale air. My lungs were begging for something that wasn't dry and wasted, but being the "warrior" I thought I was I had forgotten to bring water. Don't stop just keep going! As the taste of pennies subsided and signs of cramping all gone, I reached that point. Pumping my arms banging my way down the street each drop of sweat took a little frustration out of me. The sky started turning gray and yes I heard it, Thunder. Rain is my absolutely positively favorite by-product of mother nature. I LOVE IT! So with each rolling rumble I sped up chasing the dark clouds. Come one rain come on! I stopped.

Liquid Diamonds

The sky opened up and there was a little pocket of sun, no clouds and would you believe from that gap in the gray came a mysterious sprinkle. At first I wasn't even sure it was rain. And then, down-pour. Hundreds of little lights falling out of the sky, I was so mesmerized. My heart had been pounding from the run and now it was pounding for the rain. I sprinted down the hot concrete until it turned to moist grass then slippery mud. It was so breath taking. I stood with my hands up to the sky, twirling in the wet diamonds that flew down and splashed into me. Drip by drop I felt reborn. I was jumping around like I was 5 again This is my sunshine kingdom. I ran, danced and happily fell to the ground. Closing my eyes I let the water drop in my mouth, wash over skin, pool in my belly button. Pretty soon I could feel the drops get smaller and the thunder softer. I sat up and looked out at the concrete path that I'd be taking back. The heat was claiming my diamonds, but this time in a beautiful way. It rose in mystic foggy horse, galloping up from the hot tar and swirling into the sky again. Despite feeling amazingly rejuvenated I couldn't explain how heavenly the water fountain across the park looked. The light was just playing off it's rusty metal, pulling me from my spot in the grass. I sprinted to in and, no water. Laughing I realized reality was back to bite me in the butt except I'd take it better this time.

Rain in Spain

I keep forgetting that this blog is supposed to be about my exchange but I find myself constantly going off on of tangents. Well let's see if I can make all these thoughts and emotions, all these tangents line up with preparing for Spain.

I understand how difficult next year is going to be. This anger I felt will come again, along with confusion, loneliness and I'm for a little while I'm going to feel lost. Hitting that low will be tough for me because sometimes I think I'm invincible, like being an exchange student makes me some kind of super hero and it does-- after I get through all the tough times. There will be many rainy days, the kind where I want to go out and dance in it and the kind where I want to stay in and hide form it all. When I concur it all, only then can be super hero and eve then I'll have a lot more rain to handle. 

There are clouds in the sky...

But still no rain..

Waiting on the Rain

I've been waiting to get rain like that day again, so I could snap a few pictures for the blog. I want you all to see the magic I was seeing. But sometimes nature is just to beautiful too perfect to be trapped in four corners. I guess my sunshine kingdom will forever stay a part of my memory. Then again, the sun is always waiting behind the clouds.

With a little patience, we all get that sunshine.

Something Like Goodbye

See Ya

Goodbyes used to be detrimental events. We'd hide from our parents at the end of a play-date just to keep it going a little while longer. I know I'd come up with all kinds of excuses as to why every night was a need for a sleepover! But all play-dates come to an end and the little goodbyes that are only "see you tomorrow" hurt a lot. It could have been my hyperactive childhood I had that never allowed me to sleep, but nights were the worst. I'd think of all the fun games I could be playing with my friends and how the time between goodbye and hello again seemed so stupidly long. Those goodbyes were very small. I didn't know that until I had to say the real ones.

Way back then, when it only took minutes to make friends.

Until We Meet Again...?

My first move brought on the first round of real goodbyes the "I may possibly and most likely never see you again", goodbyes. Yeah, those ones suck the most. That term "Ugly Crier" my picture would be perfect for the dictionary definition. My eyes swell up red and my whole face takes on a strong resemblance of a lobster. I remember huddling with friends in the backyard, beside my favorite swing-set cry, cry, crying.  This pain was beyond the pain I'd felt when my hamster Gussy died. And the tears, oh the burning tears would not flipping stop! Hiccuping my way to the airport, that was the first lesson of Goodbye. I was only getting started.

Holding on because we can't let go.

Never goodbye's, just a lot of love and reunion plans.

Professional Leaver

Years later. With so many moves, so many homes and so many goodbyes, I'd consider myself fairly good at leaving. Each time in a good/bad way, it's gotten easier. Does that mean I'm less sentimental or even heartless (Maybe it's that annoying "growing up" nonsense that everyone talks about) Either way the tears become smaller and the pain less... painful. I feel guilty when I'm hugging goodbyes and my usual lobster tears don't surface. I can just feel it, when I know this isn't the last goodbye. People have so many different paths. I mean we go everywhere, do everything, we are amazing beings. I just can't bring myself to believe in this great big world of choices and coincidences, that I'll never see the people who mean so much to me now.

Years apart and this Squad remains stronger than ever.

The Reunion and The Rekindling

"Fate is a fickle mistress", well she has brought me all over the place. More often than not she brings me to the places I've been missing, in the best cases, into the arms the ones I've been missing. Each time those goodbyes seem to disappear easily, buried in the hugs and laughs stitch years apart, together. Saying goodbye so much has made me a ok with the idea of leaving. Maybe I've gotten tougher or something. Or maybe I finally realize that there is something on the other side of goodbye. A distant but not so far away "Hello"

Living in an Airport

Another Day Another Airport

Sorry I haven't been able to do much blogging. I just got home Wednesday after my sixth flight in the past five weeks. Hence the title, I've admitted the airport as my second home. Which is good and also not so good. Lay overs give me a lottt of time to spend wandering the crowds, sitting on floors and in window sills (I don't know why but I'm not a big fan of conventional seating).

The Pepper giving me inspiration      On the floor in Phoenix airport

Either way I've actually always loved airports. Uhh WHAT go the millions of people who hate them. I can see why some people hate/fear them. There is the "never been before it's so intimidating" fear and the crowded, stressful "is TSA really going to let him touch me there!" hatred. But ever since I was little they've been a really cool place.

Read this in the airport, laughed in front of strangers.
"Exchange students are ruining our country."

It's like the old days. Sitting up against a window turning gazes from the metallic birds launching off concrete fields, to the hustle and bustle of what must be a every age and every race heading off to every possible destination in the world. And people still think I'm crazy to like it here. Here, in this international flocking point, we're all from somewhere, all going somewhere. It makes me wonder about people's stories. Everybody has one. Each flight brings a new one to hear and a new one to tell.

Always wanted to be a twin.     Ryan Gosling?? Sadly no :(

Unfortunately not all flights bring the people willing to tell. The fact that I've turned to a blog shows how much I like to talk. Not everyone is quite so talkative and that's ok. I've learned the signs.

I Do Not Wish To Communicate if...

1. Ear-buds are in
2. Book is out 
3. Lap top is on

I can respect people's boundaries but with a hyperactive mind and a more than 3 hours of sitting I'm not a big fan of sitting still and staying quiet. If my "Hi, I'm Tanika. :) So, is *insert destination* your final destination?" doesn't get me anywhere I resort to my books and occasionally, if I can find some inspiration, my writing.

Time to Take-Off

Looking out at my home of two years I don't feel the usual sadness. Maybe I'm getting too good at goodbyes. Lot's of things (that I'm sorry but must remain off this blog) are flowing through my mind. So I focus on the belly of the bird.

A plane has two sides. I always hope for the good side, the turning-side. You know the side where the bird tilts and you can look out at the views down there, watching at the ity bits of man-made miracles below. But not this time. As the as we lift up and tilt right I was sky-side. Man, I had to stretch my neck to look across the isle only to be stopped by a poof of Dallas-Dolly hair clouding the window. I sat back and settled for my window. At first the sun bounced off the wing and struck me in the eyes. Hmf  I squinted and recovered finding nothing more than endless blue. How boring. I let my thoughts fly from my head with only paper to catch them.

Turning-side. Leaving NC in 2012

    First view of California in 2012 and last view(for now) 2014

Flight photography. Not too shabby California

Cruising at 35,000 Feet

We are in the clouds, and my visions of blue faded fast in the now endless white. Clouds are the BEST. From the eyes of a bird they pillow around you like a welcoming bedroom. And then you're flying through them! Layers and layers of misty fluff, further closer and all around you, blinding the windows with white. In the cloud, that's the best.

 

 Couldn't get many good ones but here is the cloud bedroom and the blinding white.

At first it's a little weird. You can't orient yourself in a cloud where UP, down, east, WEST no longer matter. For a moment it's like your in a time machine. The clock may not stop on your watch but for once it stops being important. You're just in the cloud feeling a tad bit lost, and on your way to a different place. The clouds are a piece of magic. No matter how many times I pass through them I'll always feel the same excitement in getting a little lost.

I changed my mind. Airports are not my home. Airplanes are not my favorite.

Clouds, they are my favorite home.

World Traveler Edition 1

Travel Journalism

I have always wanted to make one of these. Pinterest, instagram, travel blogs galore are flooded with these homemade journals. They outline people's amazing travel experiences in ticket stubs, post cards, used napkins and the good ole' "Dear Journal". So I thought heck I'm going to Spain that should be enough adventure to earn a book! And I began. Like this blog it has been really hard coming up with ideas, do I write in it? draw in it? put chewed up gum in it? Yeah I found this on a Barcelona street bench woo hoo! Of all the internet trolling I had done, the advice that stuck with me the most was, make it memorable, make it worth it, make it yours. And I am so ashamed that I can't remember where I found these good words, but they definitely set me on the right track. With a few trial pages I started to get a feel for what I wanted this mixed-up-journal-sketch-scrap-book to be. So here I give you the early beginnings of "World Traveler" (Or Welcome To the Wild Mind of Tanika Santos.. the first one just seemed more professional).

Practice Page 1 : A Messy Mix Up

With this first page I just let myself junk it up and hope for some artistic inspiration to sweep up the mess. Well I did manage to junk it up. My "Pocket of Positivity" holds the secrets to happiness- kinda. I filled it will inspirational quotes about travel :D love <3 and life * (that's my figurative sun). The rest was a process of writing prettily, tearing it up and gluing it back together (another figurative image of life ;)) I'm so good at the figurative thing I even managed to give a ROLO's wrapper meaning :

Memories are like Rolo's.

We savor them.

Absorbing as much feeling, 

until it melts away.

But even when it's gone, 

the sweetness still lingers.

Flipping poetry, I know! haha only kidding :) Despite a messy beginning as I always seem to have, this page sparked some ideas for more pages to come. 

Page 2 (featuring the sweet notes from Breaking Down The Walls 2013)

This page got my juices flowing a little more. That morning I received as always a pile of college pamphlets and letters STUDY WITH US! Your future is calling! WE HAVE PAINTBALL!!! One did manage to catch my eye, not for the "bright future I had on their campus" but for the four simple words Your Journey Begins Here. It seemed like "here" meant the kitchen counter I was sitting on at the moment, here meant the anxiousness of waiting to receive my host family, here meant now. The picture, Our students travel to 32 different countries on semester long exchanges. Kaitlyn, 19 taking in the beautiful view of South Africa. They really were talking to me.

Pages in the middle : Doodles and Such

With these pages I found myself sitting outside and thinking without thinking. Some call it meditation, but really I just sit outside and occasionally draw stuff, or write stuff or shout at annoying geese. (No peaceful meditaty would shout at birds).

Page 8 : The Real Traveler Stuff

 I love these pages because they just look nice! I started on the left by drawing Spain so I could have an idea of where the cities were. (Not perfectly to scale but pretty snazzy huh?) I did some girlish travel doodles and left space thinking I'd fill it with actual travel stories. But then I got too excited! I have many lists, bucket lists, travel lists, travel-bucket lists (My favorite!) so I added some of them instead. Hopefully this will be a checked page by the end of the year because I know it'll be all checks before I kick it.

My

Pamplona 

Pages

I will have many more of these to come. They mostly outline my excitement for Spain, the city and my new life, even with some fears (shhhhh)

So that's what I've got so far. My journal is like me, an open book (there I go again with the figurative language) Hope you liked the little trip into my "Semi-artsy-definitely-crazy-mind"

See You Soon!

Introductions to a Budding Blogger

"Here we go!"

Words in Warning

This marks my first leap into the unknown jungle of blogging society. I realize that creating a blog means pulling together thoughts which spin and change, fade and fly (especially in my hyperactive mind). So if my words get jumbled or my thoughts skip around, please forgive my human imperfections. I'm still working on them :)

I am Forever Bound by the "-"

"I'm off on a new adventure! See ya!"

The hyphen. My name is my story, Tanika Rose Santos-MacSwain. Long name, cool name, and absolutely perfect for explaining my beginnings. (I tell this story to everyone so if you've heard it before skip on). 

My parents meet in Japan where "Tanya" my mom's best friend introduced her to this handsome Peruvian with an Elvis-like hairdo. Peru home to the Inca's, home to the beautiful city of "Ica" filled with gold. 

Skip ahead a few romantic years and then the name presents itself. In Singapore, my birthplace. My mom being the determined, independent woman she is insisted not only on my uniquely wonderful first name but my hyphenated glory name. My dad kept things simple, a middle name of beauty "Rosa". My name continues to confuse but also leads to a good story ending with "From the age of negative 9 months I became a traveler."

    So why Spain?

"15 countries, one crazy wonderful mashed up family"

Despite having an pretty cool background and moving almost always, I have lead a pretty simple teenage conquest: soccer, friends, peanut-butter sculpting, random dancing in public because I like the smiles I can bring (another warning I can be an upbeat cheese-ball) But no matter what I did I always wanted more. And then I met them. The exchange students. Boy was I in for a ride with these guys. I'll have more time to talk about them later because that is what my blog is supposed to be about? (Sorry for all the side tracking) But for now I will tell you this, they are superheros. 

"Pau's first time in snow!"

I'd experienced foreign exchange once before. Her name was Paulina, our exchange student from Mexico. The experience she was having was the experience I needed. In our year of late night trampoline talks and endless laughter we became not-by-blood-but-in-every-other-possible-way-Sisters. Never had the word felt stronger than in the moments of hugging goodbye. I've come full circle and I'm here 3 years later, saying goodbye, yet again, to another place, another year, another home. Let's see where it takes me.

"Look out Spain. This girl is on the way."